Some have asked to see the eulogy I had written for dad, so here it is...
There is no way that I could stand up here and give the speech that my Dad would want for his funeral because first and foremost I don’t use that kind of language, but, I know that if dad was here, he would look out at all of you and say something like… What the hell are all of you putz’s doing here? Lets get the hell out of here and go to Green Hills.
Everyone in this room knew Gary. Some knew him as husband, dad, brother, grandfather, uncle, cousin, colleague, or friend. Still others knew him as, The man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Wonderfuckingful or even Jesus. As a close family friend recently said about dad, you either love to hate him or hate to love him, but there is no in between, its just good that more people loved him. I mean how many people in this room did he tell to go screw yourselves and you actually loved him for it. That was my dad and while there were many good times and also many bad and difficult times, with his passing it seems only the good times and special memories that are worth remembering and sharing today as we say our goodbyes.
My dad’s love of family started in his childhood in Schenectady, NY with his parents Irving and Cecil, his young sister Annie and his cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. I remember him talking so fondly and so often of his wonderful times growing up, especially his summers in Lake Luzerne. I know that they instilled in my dad his love of close family and community, ties that he carried with him when he started his own family and life in Harrisburg.
Growing up dad worked in his family laundry business which no doubt started his life long passion for doing the laundry. It’s still amazing to me that even up until a few weeks ago we were finding loads of laundry where he still couldn’t figure out that mixing colors and whites made pink underwear.
We fast forward a bit and for anyone who doesn’t know the story of how dad met mom, he went on a trip to Harcum College to visit a close friend who happened to be mom’s roommate. There was an instant attraction. They dated for a while, and after a brief stint in Korea, he returned to marry Mom as he wanted to get some schtuppie and needed the chuppie to do so. As the story goes my dad walked to the back of my grandfather, Joe Stein’s, grocery store to ask for her hand. Pop was in an apron covered in blood cutting up meat with a long, sharp cleaver in his hand. While dad had visions of the cleaver coming towards him, he still had the courage to get Joe’s permission and dad and mom were married in 1960, eventually settling in Harrisburg in 1962.
Dad started his professional career in the dress factory business and became partners with mom’s brothers Herb and eventually Paul at the East Berlin Garment Factory. I could only imagine what it was like to work with my father. I’m sure it was a delight because he was such a patient, easy going man who rarely spoke his mind, mostly held his tongue, and spoke in an almost quiet whisper.
After getting out of the garment business and with dads being a long time member of the Jewish Community, in 1991 he became executive director of the JCC until he retired in 1997. During his tenure his love of the community really became evident and he spent many a day meeting new families, helping to raise children of families he had known for years, and worked to improve the Jewish Community, all the while with a laugh, joke, smart ass comment or witty remark. Even though he wasn’t the father to these kids, many saw him as a father figure and role model. It gave him such immense pleasure and joy. He was so proud to watch these kids and families grow up, it was as if they were his own.
Dad was looking forward to retiring after the JCC, but Charlotte stepped in and told him that there was absolutely no way that they could spend that much time together without killing one another and that he needed to get out of the house and get back to work. He then went to work at the Pennsylvania Housing Finance Association, where he took pride in the work that he did and continued to touch the lives of so many, so many who have shared their stories via the blog and who are here today to honor him.
Some things you need to know about my dad: He loved to fix things and work on projects, many that took place at my home, many which resulted in a professional coming in to fix the projects that he previously fixed. For example, we had purchased a new grill which he couldn’t wait to come up and put together for us. He spent the better part of the day putting it together and when he was done he presented us with the grill and a box of parts that he labeled as “Extra and not necessary”. Lets just say that the new grill we bought the following year came fully assembled. You also need to know that dad enjoyed the pool at Green Hills, gambling, going to Aruba or a beach, doing yard work, and our cruises together. His other loves included: scratching his balls, picking zits, smoking cigarettes, farting and taking major poops and getting massages from anyone that would give. His grandchildren were on to their pop-pop about the massages and charged him a few bucks for every one. Nicole especially has earned enough money to pay for her college tuition.
When I think of my dad, I think of his life in three areas: Community, Friends, and family. There is no doubt that dad belonged to Harrisburg, especially the Jewish community. He was a business owner, commissioner of the first ward, director of the JCC, active with the Jewish home, Mayor of Green hills, member and for a time organizer of the Chevar Kadisha (which is the holy society that prepares a Jewish male for burial in accordance with the Jewish laws and traditions), he was also a board member and second head usher, but head gossiper, here at Kesher Israel. In fact, at each high holiday, you could expect that when you walked into those very doors you would be greeted by dad with a big smile and usually a one liner that made you laugh, but gave you a sense of comfort. However, you would never see him actually praying, but more likely walking around schmoozing, chatting and laughing. In fact, I think the Rabbi could tell you that on more than one occasion he had to ask Gary to be a little quieter, to which I think my dad might have given him some directions on where he could go?
As for friends, Every friend of dads in this room I’m sure has at least one favorite Gary story; however, probably 95% of these are inappropriate to tell in a synagogue. But Dad knew how so many of you felt about him and commented on how fortunate he was to have had so many people ‘euologize’ him while he was still alive, most recently at his 70th birthday celebration, but also at his retirement party from the JCC. While we know that many of you wanted to get up here and say something today, we hope that you will share your memories with Mom and our family, as this keeps my dad alive in everyone’s heart.
In thinking about dad, If he liked you, he loved you and would do anything for you. You would still get a sarcastic or busting remark, but the deep care and concern always came through. Once you figured dad out, you knew that behind his joking but non apologetic tell-it-like-it-is style was love and compassion, that he would give you the shirt off his back and would be there in an instant. Dad always had a nickname for everyone and a way of connecting with people where you felt you were the most special person to him. This became especially apparent over the past few weeks with the outpouring of support and love shown to him and our family via the computer blog, telephone messages and cards. I look around the room to see so many faces that truly loved dad and this touches and amazes our family so deeply.
Above all dad cherished his family. While, as in life, there were good times and bad times, he did care and only wanted the best for all of us. Towards the end, dad and I were able to talk one on one and he was able to express how much he loved his family. He loved his grandchildren, Zack, Coley, Hannah, Max, Erica and Dean beyond what words can say, just being with them, hearing their day to day stories, hugging and kissing them, getting to watch them play sports, their putting their heads on his lap, or their confiding in him and telling him what was going on in their lives meant the absolute world to him.
He adored his younger sister Annie and brother-in-law Lester. He would look so forward to meeting up with them at our home, and be able to spend weekends together, especially when she brought those Italian cookies with almonds, by the way that Mom didn’t want him to eat, but he snuck anyway kicking off a major bout of dyberticulitis of which our bathroom has never been the same. However back to Annie, He always wanted to make sure she was ok and appreciated her more than she might know, especially because of how she took care of their mother during her last days.
He loved Herbie and Harriet, probably more so after they stopped working together, but spent many a year side by side running a business and making a living for their families.
He cared for Uncle Paul so much that he would bust his chops any opportunity he could get. He was also so concerned about Pam, Aaron, Hillary and Maddie after Paul passed and made sure they were ok. Like Pam, he knew first hand the joys of marrying into the Stein family and always felt he had that bond with her.
Paula- he loved her so much. The both of them were similar in so many ways, especially the take charge and get things done attitude. He always knew he could count on her and admired her so much. During the last few days he commented on how special she is and what an amazing person she is. However, I know my dad still thought she was such a chazer and hated going to Atlantic City with her, she just cost him too much money.
With Beau- there is no question that he was Dad’s fourth son and at least tied for favorite daughter in law. Dad so enjoyed the time at our home in the country, working on projects, mowing our lawn, cleaning our workshop, napping on the porch, going to Kutsher’s to see some shows, or grilling up steaks and just staying at home . You know, I credit Beau with how strong my relationship had become with my dad. After seeing how strong his relationship was with his mom, I wanted the same. It was also so important to me that he and my parents got along and it couldn’t have turned out any better.
Mark: In so many ways he and dad were the most similar and he had a bond that went beyond words. He would comment on how proud he was of Mark’s accomplishments and how he really wanted his happiness.
With Harriet, the last few weeks had met so much to dad and he was touched on how much she started opening up and sharing. I don’t think there could have been a bigger gift she could have given to him.
With Larry: Dad was a pillar of strength for Larry, a rock that was there to solve any problem, offer advise and try to push him to achieve. It’s all about love. And while he never stopped worrying about Larry, there is no way he could deny how much he loved him.
Dad’s loving and doting wife Charlotte, my mom: Anyone who saw my parents together, affectionately called The Bickersons, knew that they cared tremendously for one another. Dad told me numerous times how he was the luckiest man on this earth to have her for his wife, that through the good and bad times, the ups and the downs, she was always by his side. Towards the end he fought the hardest for her and was most concerned about what her life would be without him. He did believe that she would never be able to find another man like him, I mean how could you find another man as perfect as Gary, but wanted her to enjoy her life and live it to its fullest. Rest assured he loved her and it was her that he choose to be with till the end of his days. However, there was one thing that he did say that he wants her to do. He wants her to go to a casino and play $25 dollars on 27 red at one shot or place a $100 bet on one hand of blackjack--- without gridging her teeth. Impossible!
So where do we go from here. I think if Larry, Mark and I learned anything from dad, it is the importance and power of community, friends and family. Eventually, you might forget some nuances about Gary, some things that he said or actions that he had taken, but I don’t think we will ever forget how he made us feel.
Dad, please know that not only do I love you, I’ve come to like you, trust you and respect the man you were and will carry in me the life lessons you have so generously taught me. G-dspeed and safe journey.
